Now the fear. Since I was a small girl I remember my grandfather painted beautifully. He had a studio in his house, it smelled like turpentine. I remember when we visited him I would be allowed to go into his studio and sit on the little bench and watch him paint. I loved that. His choice of mediums was oil paint. I have very vivid memories of watching him mix the colors and then using his brushed to create something from a white nothing.
My fear probably pretty evident by now. I recently received some watercolor paints from my children for Mother's day. They both thrill and terrify me. I have always wanted to buy a canvas and see what I could make with some paint... but here is the thing, I am afraid it will not be perfect the first time out. I struggle with this in my art. Most do. I am worried I won't make it look like the picture in my head, and if it doesn't I am discouraged.
I tried. A few days ago I went to my table and decided to just try. (see above) I got the paper wet and added color. It's not the worst thing I have ever seen but it is not the image I had in my head. I was disappointed.
The silly part. I was disappointed at my first conscience choice to try and paint something was not perfect. I mean I've used watercolors as a part of mixed media art, backgrounds for stamped projects and in my journals, but never for a painting. So my misplaced disappointment has haunted me for days. I struggle because I want to be at the same level as a person that has been painting for years. I know in my head it is an unattainable goal but my heart tells me over and over, there is an artist in there-- one that wants to sketch and paint, let her out. Then I am overwhelmed and choked out by the fear of it not being good enough.
I read a Scripture the other day that helped me (as they often do).
"Cast all your burdens upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."
Psalms 55:22 (NASB)
This Scripture (after reading and re-reading it many times) has a little word in it that is really important. Most read by skipping over some words in an effort for our brain to save time, we do it without even noticing. It is that little word however that makes this Scripture applicable to my silly burden. It is the word "all". This does not say, "Cast a few," or "Only Cast your sickness, or finances" it says CAST ALL, That is the thing about God, He wants to carry all our burdens not just the ones we feel are "important" if it is a burden, odds are it is important (to you, even if no one else knows).
I am creative. I like to make things, pretty things. I love to write stories. I love to take nothing and make it something. I think this is one way I am like God. I think He understands that my desire to make something pretty. Look he made you, He gets it. While God is the ultimate Creator, I do not try to come close to the beauty He gave us, I do like to copy it. (Highest form of flattery they say.) I guess my first try is not as bad as I think it is, because when you look at it, you can't see what is in my head, you simply see a creation with paint and water. I think I am overcoming my fear, and I want to learn more about watercolor and painting. I think if I try and I practice I could one day create something that I really like.
Cast way friends! I am, I plan to move forward learn more and maybe have a small mastery of this medium simply because my heart knows deep down this has been a life longing. I will not allow my fear of failure hold me, prisoner.